Chickenhawk’s Chicken and Beans: An Homage to a Looney Tunes Merry Melody
Anyone who knows me is aware of my aversion to the real world. I know I live in it, and I’m aware of what happens in it — all too well, I feel sure, given my life experiences, which have not always been rosy — but I prefer to persevere ignorant of the minutia of daily suffering. Lolita is hardwired to sink into the clinical blues, and often thinks speeding busses and steep cliffside drops look appealing when said blues have taken a hold of her heart — but she’s learned how to cope. How, you ask, does one cope with depression? Why – through Cartoon Network, of course! (And drugs. Copious amounts of drugs. And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.) I started watching cartoons instead of the news 15 years ago, and the noble Claytonious has followed suit: both of us are perpetually happier than we ever had been before “Pokemon” and “Teen Titans” took the place of Katie Couric and CNN. From great cartoons come great inspirations – and the new Looney Tunes show on Cartoon Network has been a treasure trove of food-related delight! From Speedy Gonzalez’s “Queso Bandido” to Elmer Fudd’s “Grilled Cheese” — this new show showcases cartoon food and merry melodies in side-splitting videos I’ve now started seeking out. Tonight’s inspiration has this little guy to thank: You remember Chickenhawk, dontcha? This diminutive bruiser has an unrelenting hankering for Foghorn Leghorn’s succulent chicken flesh, and Barnyard Dog serves as his back-up singer in a video I fear I can’t post, lest Ted Turner hunt me down for copyright infringement. The song is, of course, all about eatin’ chicken: Barnyard Dog (falsetto singsong): Chickenhawk’s getting hungry; Chickenhawk’s getting hungry! Chickenhawk (in rap:): I want some chicken… to eat. It is my favorite meat. I like it crispy, or glazed, it puts me in a daze. I like it fried up, or baked; for my birthday I eat CHICKEN CAKE! Barnyard Dog (falsetto singsong): Chickenhawk’s not a chicken. He’s just a hawk, that eats chicken. And that, dear readers, is just the beginning! Foghorn Leghorn tries to convince CH to try other things: something from the Chinese restaurant down the street, or a fish taco, or honey buns, or a hot dog, or pork(y Pig), and finally… Foghorn Leghorn (in kuntry rap):… Try my grandma’s baked beans… they’ve got 10 grams of protein! They’re duly sweet and piping hot, you’ll want to eat the whole dang pot! Barnyard Dog (falsetto singing): Chickenhawk’s going to eat them beans; Chickenhawk is enjoying them beans. Chickenhawk (with hearts in his eyes for the beans): You know what would go good with them beans….? CHICKEN. And there you have it: chicken and beans. Barnyard Dog’s final words in the song clearly describe their relationship: “Beans and chicken, what a heavenly combo.” That cartoon, and Little Red, was all I needed to craft a scrumdillyicious dinner of spatchcock chicken and quick baked beans — all in less than an hour, for less than $15. I’m sorry Foghorn Leghorn – but you were DELICIOUS.
Total Steps
29
Ingredients
18
Tools Needed
7
Ingredients
- 4 pounds whole roasting chicken
- Several sprigs fresh rosemary
- 1 green pepper
- 1 small white onion
- 1 can cannellini beans
- 1 bottle Guinness
- 2 tablespoons concentrated tomato paste
- 4 tablespoons brown sugar
- paprika
- ground cumin
- Chinese five-spice
- sea salt
- black pepper
- granulated garlic
- extra virgin olive oil
- salad greens
- goat cheese
- white balsamic vinegar
Instructions
Step 1
Weeknight Wondermeal: Cape Cod Swordfish, with Mango, Mozzarella, and Caper <a href="/W5YYKHT2">Salad,</a> and Lolita’s Potato Tots
Step 2
Whole Foods had some perfectly plump Foghorn Leghorns on sale, and I grabbed a nice 4 pounder for our dinner. I rinsed and patted it<a href="/RF7SRX43"> dry</a> before breaking out my kitchen shears.
Step 3
Starting with my chicken breast side down, tail up…
Step 4
I start <a href="/XZBDDD5G">cutting </a>out the backbone, just to the right of the tail (which I want to keep — it’s one of the best <a href="/WDCS6JL5">tasting </a>parts!), snipping through both the rib-bones and the flesh and skin, until…
Step 5
I’ve <a href="/XZBDDD5G">cut </a>all the way up to the neck cavity. Starting now from there, I<a href="/XZBDDD5G"> cut</a> down the other side of the backbone, until I reach the tail (in which there is no<a href="/HVQ6M73G"> bone</a>, just cartilage and sweet sweet meat), which I<a href="/XZBDDD5G"> cut</a> around in order to leave it attached to the body, so I<a href="/TPWNYF5L"> can</a> remove the entire spinal cord.
Step 6
A raw, naked, flayed, and splayed <a href="/S23WMNW8">spatchcocked </a>chicken looks like an Alien face-hugger to me; I assume Geiger thought of that, the cheeky devil.
Step 7
I <a href="/TCL6N2Z7">flip </a>my bird face side up, and then I use my fingers to <a href="/WRFN6T6X">separate </a>the skin from the flesh of the breasts, thighs, and legs. Yes, yes – I am manhandling and mauling this poor bird mercilessly, violating it in every conceivable way — like an evil proctologist with wandering fingers and a vigorous imagination. But since I’m a cook, and this is a dead chicken – it’s all good.
Step 8
Figuring that Chickenhawk would probably like his Foghorn Leghorn <a href="/PMQVQDJ8"> flavored</a> with simple farm herbs, I visited ye ol’ rosemary bush and snipped off a few healthy sprigs.
Step 9
I push rosemary leaves into the pockets I made between the skin and flesh, then I sprinkle paprika, cumin, sea <a href="/DPSVTKVY">salt,</a> black pepper, garlic powder, and brush some olive oil over the whole plump and perky bird.
Step 10
My next step is to prep my beans. I’m trying something new tonight on Little Red;<a href="/RNT367Z2"> baking</a> beans in a pan right on the<a href="/3TRM8PXL"> grill</a> surface. I did this the other night with little potatoes, whic<a href="/Q4MB2KV4">h yielde</a>d these perfect little tots of crispy-outside, creamy-inside spuds. Seeing that a cake-pan got so hot, I thought my heavy saucepan might work, too. I started by grabbing a bottle of Guinness (left over from the other, other night), a<a href="/NMQN5F5P">nd dici</a>ng 1/2 a green pepper and a small onion.
Step 11
Since I want to do most of this outside (it is a perfect night), and I don’t want to carry a ton of crap or have to go back in and out, after I drain all the liquid out of my <a href="/TPWNYF5L">can </a>of beans, I add 1/2 – 1 tsp. of each of my <a href="/RF7SRX43">dry </a>spices and 2 tbs tomato paste to the <a href="/TPWNYF5L">can </a>and bring that out to the deck. These are approximations, BTW — Lolita is a bit like the Swedish Chef. M<a href="/XZBDDD5G">y cuttin</a>g board with diced veg, m<a href="/TPWNYF5L">y ca</a>n of beans an<a href="/PMQVQDJ8">d flavo</a>r, and my bottle of beer all head out to the deck with me.
Step 12
My pan has been sitting over the hot coils for about 15 minutes so far.
Step 13
This was my first test: I added a few glugs of EVOO, and was thrilled to see it immediately slick and shimmer — my pan was *HOT*. Yay!
Step 14
The green pepper and onion went in first, and I enjoyed the gratifying sizzling sound they made when they hit the oil. I<a href="/DRM2WPZ4"> stirred</a> them around, then closed the lid on Little Red for a few moments so that the veg could soften in the<a href="/XZFHRHHF"> heat</a>.
Step 15
Next, I added the contents of my bean <a href="/TPWNYF5L">can,</a> and gave that a good <a href="/DRM2WPZ4">stir </a>to <a href="/7S3QCKWK">mix </a>all the ingredients together.
Step 16
Then I add about 1/2 of my bottle of beer – just enough to cover everything in delicious <a href="/D434P8MH">brown </a><a href="/FZB4VFPV">foam.</a> This gets a good<a href="/DRM2WPZ4"> stir</a>, too.
Step 17
Finally, Foghorn Leghorn gets nestled, face up, on the hot grate, straddling my bean pan. Everything is going to cook for a total of 40 minutes, right together.
Step 18
I close up Little Red, so that he <a href="/TPWNYF5L">can </a>do his magic. The slowly setting sun<a href="/FVYNJCCW"> warms</a> his forehead, and Cambridge’s rooftops glow in the background.
Step 19
I love it up here.
Step 20
After 25 minutes, my beans have started to <a href="/LXP6HLBF">thicken </a>and reduce. I<a href="/DRM2WPZ4"> stir</a> the contents of the pan around a few times, smooshing about 1/4 of the beans as I do so, to<a href="/LXP6HLBF"> thicken</a> the sauce.
Step 21
Then I <a href="/TCL6N2Z7">flip </a>my now-bottom-browned bird onto his breast. I shut the lid and walk away to enjoy the evening for another 15 minutes.
Step 22
I had 1/2 a package of <a href="/W5YYKHT2">salad </a>greens, and 1/2 a log of goat cheese in the fridge – this, with EVOO, white balsamic vinegar, and <a href="/DPSVTKVY">salt </a>and pepper became my super-simple <a href="/W5YYKHT2">salad.</a> The beans and chicken should be hot and spiced, so would was the perfect creamy cold compliment for those<a href="/QQVZX64Y"> dishes</a>. Chickenhawk wouldn’t mind.
Step 23
Oh, and for the last 5 minutes, I chucked a couple of sourdough <a href="/LTNN8R88">rolls </a>into Little Red to <a href="/XZFHRHHF">heat </a>through. Some<a href="/482ZKJDV"> bread</a> and butter is always welcome at the table.
Step 24
My chicken is perfectly cooked through, with clear running <a href="/QDWRNXYW">juices </a>when pierced with a fork. My beans are thick and rich; when I drag my<a href="/NX588QBK"> spoon</a> through them, it takes a few sumptuous seconds for the sliver bottom to be swallowed out of sight by the deep red<a href="/6CS5LN84"> stew</a>.
Step 25
Now that is one beautiful bird! Feather-white Foghorn Leghorn never had a six-pack when kuntry-stuttering around the farmyard, but after his workout with Little Red he’s<a href="/XZBDDD5G"> cut</a> like Chippendale model, and as tan as George Hamilton.
Step 26
Dear Chickenhawk,
Step 27
Thank you so much for your excellent recommendation inre Lolita’s plat du jour. Your assessment of the symbiotic relationship between chicken and beans was prescient; as they collaborated to nourish me in between my <a href="/6MWKN5BJ">masticating </a>jaws, they accomplished more than I could have asked for. Mr. Leghorn’s muscular<a href="/PMQVQDJ8"> flavor</a> and crispy skin worked perfectly with the sweetly spicy<a href="/G463W56J"> scoop</a> of beans that formed his support staff, and the snappy creamy<a href="/W5YYKHT2"> salad</a> was an excellent aide de camp. We would be happy to welcome you to our conference or dinner table any time, and do hope that you will continue to inspire people by hunting chickens and singing rap songs well into the future.
Step 28
Sincerely,
Step 29
Lolita (and Clayton)