Violent and Angry Foods

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February 25, 2011

We've noticed a trend toward more and more aggressive naming schemes from the snack and fast food industries. It's not an entirely new thing, the Dairy Queen Blizzard has been around for a long time and the Bugerville Triple Berry Blast doesn't seem like it would do too much damage. The world of hot sauce has always embraced the fact that its products deliver an acute mixture of pleasure and pain with names like "Ass Kickin' Sauce."

More recently, marketers at major brand companies seem to have done research that shows people want more punishment in their diets (we'd love to see video of those focus groups) and this has yielded intense new labels.

Chips and Snacks

Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Chips

For those who like a lot of control over their agony, Frito-Lay has introduced three grades of dangerous Doritos:

  1. 1st Degree Burn Blazin' Jalapeno
  2. 2nd Degree Burn Fiery Buffalo
  3. 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin' Habanero

Perhaps the parent company, PepsiCo, is hoping we'll guzzle their drink products to put out the resulting fire? Not content to dole out abuse with Doritos, Frito-Lay has a bayou battle going with Proctor and Gamble's Pringles brand for the meanest swamp chips.

Who would win in a cage fight?
Cheetohs Mighty Zingers Ragin' Cajun

Cheetohs Ragin' Cajun

vs. Pringles Extreme: Ragin' Cajun
Pringles Ragin Cajun

Of course Pringles would bring their emotionally unstable friend "Screamin Dill Pickle" and the muscle "Blastin' Buffalo Wings" as backup.

Energy Drinks

Remember Jolt Cola, the soft-drink with "all the sugar and double the caffeine?"  They are now "Jolt Energy" and have serving suggestions, including a recipe for Punch. In the Face."

Jolt Energy Punch in the Face

Maybe it was intimidation that made Gatorade phase out  Fierce Grape, which is still available in limited supply at Amazon.com.

Gatorade Fierce Grape

Sandwiches

This seems to be the killer category when it comes to meals that bite back.

Burger King opened up the royal dungeon and was serving the "Angry Whopper," but then threw it back in the hole. Miss it? You can join the Facebook Group: Bring Back the Angry Whopper. Or spend some time with BK's supremely bizarre Subservient Chicken (note the garters).

Burger King's Subservient Chicken

Want to defend yourself? Quiznos will arm you with Toasty Torpedoes & Toasty Bullets.

And then, there's the Heart Attack Grill, who pretty much openly admit they are trying to kill you with these tasty offerings:

Heart Attack Grill Menu

Think it's a joke? Check out this video:

And finally, we're not sure what it has to do with the food, but if you don't sign up for their mailing list, the Carl's Jr. Star is going to punch you and flog you with a bull-whip!

Carl's Junior S&M Start

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